I Forgive You...

~ I forgive you for doubting that I was ever good enough.

~ I forgive you for not listening to me and just doing whatever you wanted to do.

~ I forgive you for not caring about me at least as much as you do everyone else.

~ I forgive you for allowing dark and dangerous thoughts to enter my mind.

~ I forgive you for being so destructive to my soul.

~ I forgive you for giving so much of yourself, to whomever would be accepting, that there was nothing left for me.

~ I forgive you for believing all of the hurtful things that were said to me.

~ I forgive you for keeping me silent all these years and I trust that I no longer need to be.

This is the beginning of my journey to forgiveness for you. I am hopeful that it will bring me some peace and allow me to love you as I should.

As I look into the mirror, each and every day, I will remind you of this...

I Was So Ready...

I was so ready that day. That day I found you. I didn't know just how ready I was, but I was SOOOO ready!

I was ready to come alive, I was ready to laugh again. I was ready to love again and be free to do so.

Like the chains coming off of a prisoner, I felt free again. Free to just feel all of those wonderful, tingly feelings of giddiness and giggle like a school girl passing notes in class. How fun that was.

I felt reborn, rediscovered, and reclaimed! As if I was some treasure that all the others could never see and appreciate. But you did. You liked treasures. You collected treasures.

Only, I was part of a collection of your treasures, each of us getting our due attention when it met your needs. Sure, I questioned and wondered but your explanations were quite sufficient when they soared from your lips in that sweet, smooth voice of yours.

Always I wondered and always you explained. Always.

I was so ready to come alive that I jumped, free falling into my dreams of what we were supposed to be. I was so ready to laugh that I must have been hysterical in not realizing that I was the one being laughed at, and I didn't even notice. I believed you when you said you knew what it meant to be loved and to care for something so precious, encouraging me to have this enormous supply of love delivered to your door. I believed you. I believed you because I was so ready that day.

NOW, I am reborn! NOW, I know what it's like to come alive! Now, that you've exposed all that you are and who you never were, I can begin again with fresh eyes. I no longer need to be rediscovered or reclaimed, I just need to bathe in the afterbirth and be thankful you're gone. So, so gone.

C.

That Feeling...

It's that irritating feeling of walking into a room and forgetting why I'm there.

Only, it's when I wake up. Every single day. Day after day, I just keep waking up and I can't remember why I'm here. A purpose, a meaning, I can't find any. I'm not inspired nor do I care to be. I just keep waking up. The minutes drag. There are so many of them in a day! So many to wait through until I can slip into some state of rest where time doesn't exist and my blank stare is welcome. In the darkness, I watch the shadows on my wall as religiously as my Grandmother watched Johnny Carson.

I figure, I'll wake up one day with some epiphany of what I'm doing here. Kinda like when I stand in that room long enough and I finally remember "Oh yeah!".

I guess I just need to keep waking up...

Lisa Williams

A quote that I found perfectly written...

I'm the world's least happy atheist. I miss having religious faith, but trying to have it seems like trying to be in love with someone that you're not in love with. ~ Lisa Williams, Learning the Lessons of Nixon 3-29-08

Waiter, waiter!!

Waiter, waiter!

Wow, I don’t mean to complain because I know you have a tough job as it is but seriously, THIS is NOT what I ordered. I know my friend here is doing the eye roll but pay no attention, this must be brought to someone’s attention.

No, what I ordered was...where’s that menu again…
Anyway, I believe I ordered the main course to be the family combo something or other. It came with like two happy, well-adjusted kids, a humble home filled with shared emotions, which I believe included happiness and a generous drizzling of love.

Of course, I would never expect anything to simply be handed to me on this, or any other, lovely silver platter. I worked before I walked in here and I’ll work to foot this enormous bill. But, c’mon. A little of the drizzle please?? One happy child and the other well-adjusted, would be palatable. I’m not difficult, at least I didn’t think I was.

Anyway, is there something we can do here? Please, please don’t offer to comp the bill or bring a free dessert. In many ways, I’ve already paid, and those offerings are of no value to me whatsoever. I only want what I walked in here for, that’s all.

What? You have to get a manager? We have to go there, do we? Well, give him or her a heads up that ol’ girl at table 6 here has been off her meds and this is a long time coming. Just sayin…

Oh, and no worries, your tip isn’t going to be affected. In fact, I can give you a tip on just about anything you want to ask me! So, I’ll comp you on that!

By the way, what’s on the dessert menu? Just in case…

C

Furry Felt Covered Piggy Banks...

As I was packing, in preparation for my impending move, I felt almost robotic. CD's-this box, books-that box, kid stuff-over there, you get the idea. It wasn't until I went to work packing the kids' movies (I don't have any of my own, it seems), that I became interested in my task at hand.

Among other treasured home videos that I had forgotten about (and surely would never have remembered where they were in the event of a fire) I re-discovered a VHS tape that my Grandmother recorded of herself while on a business trip to Minneapolis. One of those little booths that you pay $5 for 10 minutes of recording. She didn't know what she was going to do with the tape but thought that it seemed like fun and mentioned that she may even give it as a birthday gift to a lucky someone special! I have to assume that she had already purchased the snow globe or plastic piggy bank covered in felt that she brought home each time she went away. As if my collection of felt covered piggy banks were overflowing to such an extent that I needed another to complete the rainbow of those I already had. I remember thinking they were kinda cute until I was 12 or so. After that, I just smiled with a hint of sarcasm while she told me all about the wonderful things in Minneapolis or Denver or Olympia, Washington. Intrigued and curious to visit those cities, I was NOT. I was an unappreciative teenager, staring at a felt covered animal, wearing the most recent "My Grandma went to (insert city here) and all I got was this lousy t-shirt", while she talked between shouting out the letters Vanna White needed to flip over so we could buy a vowel and solve this puzzle, already! I think that's where I learned what a "dumbass" was. At least, that's what my Grandmother called them when they couldn't figure out the puzzle and they were set to win the JACKPOT!

Anyway, knowing that this tape was made just a short time before her cancer diagnosis,I found myself laughing with tears streaming down my face. She was just silly. A silly disposition that I don't think I really appreciated until now. I found myself thinking that all day today, she was just silly!

While she was silly, she grated the last nerve of every single member of our family, near and far. She was so vain and always concerned with her looks, always. She was married just once, for 43 years, to a man she met as a teenager. When she mentioned his name in the tape she still beamed, how lucky for that. And, every time I walked in the house, the door always left unlocked as everyone was welcome, she greeted me with a smile. Every single time. That gave me such a sense of belonging that I haven't felt since. How wonderful that was for her to do that for me. How wonderful it was, and I don't think I ever said thank you. I wish I had. And, if I could say one last thing, I would say "Thank You". Thank you for making me feel welcome, thank you for every lecture you ever gave me, thank you for embarrassing me incessantly in front of my friends. Thank you for telling me that you loved me when I was convinced no one really did. Thank you for each and every felt covered animal you brought me. Thank you for so many things that I never realized how endearing I would find them and I miss them so incredibly.

And, thank you for creating this video that brings me to tears and laughter at the same time.

I don't know if she was ever fully aware just how wonderfully beautiful she was, from the inside out. Come to think of it, maybe I was the one that wasn't fully aware.


C.

Not Just Spending Time...

I think I've always known it but never really wanted to admit it out loud or acknowledge it even to myself.

After failing repeatedly at marriage and partnership parenting, I have to admit...it wasn't them, it was me. Did I say that out loud? I doubt I'd ever admit it to them because, well, I just wouldn't.

My close friends know that all I ever really wanted was to be a parent. More than I wanted to be anything else. Of course, I would never be that girl who traps a guy into it but when the opportunity presented itself, I did become a parent. And, by default, I became a wife as well. I was excited to be embarking on this whole "family" thing I saw others doing. Only, I would do it without the crap that comes along with it, of course! If it lasted a while that was a total bonus. But, I didn't really think it would. As hard as that is to say, I didn't. But, hey, I'll give it try and see what happens, I thought. I know, I know...wrong.

Somehow it dawned on me recently that, after spending days that have accumulated into years, it really was me. Spending time with someone and being a wife was a nice security, too. But, when it became more difficult than I was willing to accept, I cut bait and moved on to the next catch.

I heard Warren Buffett, of whom I am in awe, say that success is first based on who you marry. If you don't have the right partner, nothing else will be right either. Or, something to that effect, anyway. I realize that statement was probably already thought of by everyone else but me. And, he was right on it. No matter what you do, you have to do it with someone and it should be with the "right" someone. I always wanted to just do things and didn't lend nearly as much consideration to whom it was I was doing those things with as long as my selfish needs were met.

The other day it hit me again that it's not about spending time with someone, it's about spending a lifetime with someone. Be it your best friend or your spouse. And, if you're lucky that someone will be both.

I'm going slowly but I'm getting there...

C.

Finding the Courage ~ by James Kavanaugh

Finding the courage to face some buried anxiety
as real as snakes and grizzly bears in an uncharted wilderness,
struggling in vain to recall a child's overpowering fear
still rooted deeply in my flesh
and, seemingly as impermeable as granite rocks.

When was that terrifying moment
that has left its shadows till now?

What was the dagger that carved a scar
never to be erased?

Was I seven or seventeen, infant or fragile adolescent?

Vainly I recall every angry, hurtful voice of childhood,
every silent attack of parent or peer, teacher or coach.

Who wounded me when my bones were too brittle
to bear the weight?
When my mind was too timid and unformed
to fight back?

How can I battle this elusive Hydra
with its hybrid and devouring teeth?

Will I carry the last of this struggle
to my grave?

Will it reappear to torture me at the very end?

Or, will the sun finally rise some glorious morning
and the roots of an ancient fear dissolve
like the disappearing night?

From the book Laughing Down Lonely Canyons

Oh, Sarah Palin...Where Do I Begin??

Sarah Palin's paid speech at the Tea Party Convention this evening clearly showed the Sarah that I've grown to love. Yes, it's out there. I've said it "I LOVE SARAH PALIN!!". So there!

I love her for reminding me that even if I sit in silence on a Friday evening without my hair done or my outfit perfectly tailored, I am reminded that my presence on this couch serves this country and makes sense in more ways than Mrs. Palin could ever muster up. And, the plus side is that I won't request a $150,000 payment to do it!

I love you Sarah! You sure are purdy!

C.

If I Knew Then, What I Know Now...

Among other things, if I knew then what I know now...

~ I would've been better to myself, been less self-depricating, and embraced the best and the worst of me.

~ I would've known that no measure of self-protection could keep me safe from my own self-destruction.

~ I would've known that even if it means scraping up the pieces of my shattered life, I need each one of those pieces to be whole. And, if I move forward, leaving even a single piece behind, I'll be searching for it my whole life.

~ I would've known that, good and bad, everything counts. I will ultimately, face the consequences or the benefits immediately and directly or by way of some winding, random path.

~ I would've known to disengage from hurtful people because even the pleasure they derive from my pain will never keep them happy.

~ I would've known that nothing could possibly fill this incredibly enormous void created by the selfishness of others.

~ I would've known that contorting myself to fit into someone else's perception of who I should be would never serve me well, as I am the one burdened with this disfigured soul.

~ I would've known that each moment doesn't need to be a milestone, rather a place, of which I am ever-present.


C.