I Was So Ready...

I was so ready that day. That day I found you. I didn't know just how ready I was, but I was SOOOO ready!

I was ready to come alive, I was ready to laugh again. I was ready to love again and be free to do so.

Like the chains coming off of a prisoner, I felt free again. Free to just feel all of those wonderful, tingly feelings of giddiness and giggle like a school girl passing notes in class. How fun that was.

I felt reborn, rediscovered, and reclaimed! As if I was some treasure that all the others could never see and appreciate. But you did. You liked treasures. You collected treasures.

Only, I was part of a collection of your treasures, each of us getting our due attention when it met your needs. Sure, I questioned and wondered but your explanations were quite sufficient when they soared from your lips in that sweet, smooth voice of yours.

Always I wondered and always you explained. Always.

I was so ready to come alive that I jumped, free falling into my dreams of what we were supposed to be. I was so ready to laugh that I must have been hysterical in not realizing that I was the one being laughed at, and I didn't even notice. I believed you when you said you knew what it meant to be loved and to care for something so precious, encouraging me to have this enormous supply of love delivered to your door. I believed you. I believed you because I was so ready that day.

NOW, I am reborn! NOW, I know what it's like to come alive! Now, that you've exposed all that you are and who you never were, I can begin again with fresh eyes. I no longer need to be rediscovered or reclaimed, I just need to bathe in the afterbirth and be thankful you're gone. So, so gone.

C.

That Feeling...

It's that irritating feeling of walking into a room and forgetting why I'm there.

Only, it's when I wake up. Every single day. Day after day, I just keep waking up and I can't remember why I'm here. A purpose, a meaning, I can't find any. I'm not inspired nor do I care to be. I just keep waking up. The minutes drag. There are so many of them in a day! So many to wait through until I can slip into some state of rest where time doesn't exist and my blank stare is welcome. In the darkness, I watch the shadows on my wall as religiously as my Grandmother watched Johnny Carson.

I figure, I'll wake up one day with some epiphany of what I'm doing here. Kinda like when I stand in that room long enough and I finally remember "Oh yeah!".

I guess I just need to keep waking up...