Letter to Professor ~

With arms crossed and back turned you've been teaching me all along-and I've been an honorary student, I assure.

You clearly taught me that face-forward, and not looking back, is the only way to abandon.

I've learned that even on all the days that I don't believe you love me, I continue to love you just the same.

Where would I learn to question the value of everything, especially myself, if you had not made me feel so worthless?

How could I possibly appreciate an emotionally available man if you hadn't been so completely unavailable when I needed you?

I learned that some people can sleep through anything. They can lay their heads down at night and sleep sweetly, even without the slightest inkling of their children's well-being.

There would be none better to school me on the fact that a void created by a specific person can only be filled by that same person, if at all. No matter how many positive and loving people surround you or enter your life, the void will always be there.

I've learned that just because you have regrets, or wish you could do things differently, doesn't make a damn bit of difference to anyone, especially me.

From whom would I have learned that tirelessly searching my memory bank for the faintest childhood memory of a hug or a kiss goodnight will not a memory make.

I've learned that I should've had just as much as you and your new family did. Being hungry, and pretending not to be, around all of your friends is no fun for a little kid.

You have shown me how to develop an equal concoction of love and disgust for the same person.

You taught me that hope can be life-saving and dreams cannot be limited by anyone, save yourself. Had I not the ability to remain hopeful on so many of my days, I surely wouldn't be here now. And, on the days when all hope is exhausted, I can dream without limits until hope returns.

You demonstrated that I need to accept the fact that you never have, nor will you ever, lend enough of yourself to get to know me. I am much too much work and I require emotional availability, of which you do not have.

For all of these reasons, and hundreds more, I love you. I love you for all that you are and all that you aren't. Had you not educated me in just one of these subjects, I wouldn't be the me that I am today. And, I'm okay. I'm okay right here, at this precise moment on a Saturday night, having the ability to write with my able hands and use my thoughtful mind to capture these words that have been floating around in my head. These words making a fortuitous visit from time to time searching for a place to rest. Finally, I think they have found their home.

C.