If I Knew Then, What I Know Now...

Among other things, if I knew then what I know now...

~ I would've been better to myself, been less self-depricating, and embraced the best and the worst of me.

~ I would've known that no measure of self-protection could keep me safe from my own self-destruction.

~ I would've known that even if it means scraping up the pieces of my shattered life, I need each one of those pieces to be whole. And, if I move forward, leaving even a single piece behind, I'll be searching for it my whole life.

~ I would've known that, good and bad, everything counts. I will ultimately, face the consequences or the benefits immediately and directly or by way of some winding, random path.

~ I would've known to disengage from hurtful people because even the pleasure they derive from my pain will never keep them happy.

~ I would've known that nothing could possibly fill this incredibly enormous void created by the selfishness of others.

~ I would've known that contorting myself to fit into someone else's perception of who I should be would never serve me well, as I am the one burdened with this disfigured soul.

~ I would've known that each moment doesn't need to be a milestone, rather a place, of which I am ever-present.


C.

Have You Heard This One?

I'm not a good joke teller but I'm going to give it a try. Here goes...

A girl walks into a relationship with a smile.

The guy says to her "What would you say if I promise that I'll always take care of us?"

The girl, still smiling, chuckles nervously and replies "Well, I'd believe you, of course!".

The guy, putting his hand on hers, slyly smiles back.

....get it?? It's a joke! The relationship ~ everything! He NEVER takes care of them like he promised, it's all a f*@*king joke!


C.

I'm Gonna Sit Here ~ by James Kavanaugh

I'm gonna sit here
till passion returns
and tells me where to go.

I don't care if it's heaven
or hell or home,

I don't care if it's work
or play or sex,

I don't care if it's rich
or poor or madness,

I don't even care
if it's riding a horse naked on a freeway
or lining up like we did as kids
for a pissing contest in the old schoolyard.

I'm not going anywhere
-even to death-
until I can go passionately.

from the book Laughing Down Lonely Canyons

I Don't Know Why ~ by James Kavanaugh

I don't know why it bothers me
but in the midst of the most poignant news,
of the shooting of a President or Pope,
or an earthquake in South America,

There is a commercial somewhere selling soap or cereal,
promising luxury or peace of mind,
or an end to all offensive odors,
except commercials.

And, from time to time,
when I wonder about my own demise,
I know that at the very moment of my passing,
even as the word is circulated among my friends,

I will be eulogized somewhere
by an improved tomato sauce
or whiter teeth.

~ from the book Maybe If I Loved You More

Dr. James Kavanaugh ~

I am so deeply saddened over the death of James Kavanaugh, with whom I have never met face to face. Strangely, I felt a connection to him as if he just "got" me. His books have truly grounded me during some of the most tumultuous times in my life when I was completely lost and just couldn't find my way.

To explain it, well...I can't. I just appreciate his words, beyond any reasoning or explanation. And, while I am sad that the opportunity has been lost to have a conversation with him or give thanks to him personally for understanding me, if only by default in understanding himself, I am inspired to live my life out loud even when no one's listening. I am inspired to do this life with passion and, in turn, inspire others to do the same.

But, because I haven't gotten to the point that I understand what it is about myself that would inspire others, I will defer to the words of Mr. Kavanaugh and post a writing of his as often as I can so that others may get some of his insight. Well, that and his books are out of print.