Not Just Spending Time...

I think I've always known it but never really wanted to admit it out loud or acknowledge it even to myself.

After failing repeatedly at marriage and partnership parenting, I have to admit...it wasn't them, it was me. Did I say that out loud? I doubt I'd ever admit it to them because, well, I just wouldn't.

My close friends know that all I ever really wanted was to be a parent. More than I wanted to be anything else. Of course, I would never be that girl who traps a guy into it but when the opportunity presented itself, I did become a parent. And, by default, I became a wife as well. I was excited to be embarking on this whole "family" thing I saw others doing. Only, I would do it without the crap that comes along with it, of course! If it lasted a while that was a total bonus. But, I didn't really think it would. As hard as that is to say, I didn't. But, hey, I'll give it try and see what happens, I thought. I know, I know...wrong.

Somehow it dawned on me recently that, after spending days that have accumulated into years, it really was me. Spending time with someone and being a wife was a nice security, too. But, when it became more difficult than I was willing to accept, I cut bait and moved on to the next catch.

I heard Warren Buffett, of whom I am in awe, say that success is first based on who you marry. If you don't have the right partner, nothing else will be right either. Or, something to that effect, anyway. I realize that statement was probably already thought of by everyone else but me. And, he was right on it. No matter what you do, you have to do it with someone and it should be with the "right" someone. I always wanted to just do things and didn't lend nearly as much consideration to whom it was I was doing those things with as long as my selfish needs were met.

The other day it hit me again that it's not about spending time with someone, it's about spending a lifetime with someone. Be it your best friend or your spouse. And, if you're lucky that someone will be both.

I'm going slowly but I'm getting there...

C.

Finding the Courage ~ by James Kavanaugh

Finding the courage to face some buried anxiety
as real as snakes and grizzly bears in an uncharted wilderness,
struggling in vain to recall a child's overpowering fear
still rooted deeply in my flesh
and, seemingly as impermeable as granite rocks.

When was that terrifying moment
that has left its shadows till now?

What was the dagger that carved a scar
never to be erased?

Was I seven or seventeen, infant or fragile adolescent?

Vainly I recall every angry, hurtful voice of childhood,
every silent attack of parent or peer, teacher or coach.

Who wounded me when my bones were too brittle
to bear the weight?
When my mind was too timid and unformed
to fight back?

How can I battle this elusive Hydra
with its hybrid and devouring teeth?

Will I carry the last of this struggle
to my grave?

Will it reappear to torture me at the very end?

Or, will the sun finally rise some glorious morning
and the roots of an ancient fear dissolve
like the disappearing night?

From the book Laughing Down Lonely Canyons