Like A Wave...

Like a wave in the ocean, only without the grace and beauty.
Without the calming effect until long after and only by default.

This feeling of hopelessness drowns me.
I can't get my footing or catch my breath.
I don't know which way is up, down, or if I want to find either one.
I'm consumed.
Consumed by something so much greater than myself.
A haunting vision that rears it's ugly head far more often than I care to acknowledge.
I know survival mode will carry me out.
To the surface where I can see...and breathe.
I'm exhausted.
So tired of holding my breath.
So tired of trying to just get a grip and stand in one place for a minute in a state of rest.
So tired of not having learned after all these years, how to ride that wave.

God damn it, why can't I figure it out!
That frustrates me.
I frustrate me!

But, after that wave has swallowed me whole and spit me back out, I am washed ashore.
I lay there, for my daily eternity, with only my eyes having the energy to move.
Possibly a calming effect by default.
Survival mode seems to zap me of my super powers to put on a happy face right now.

C.