I Just Need Someone ~

Today I just need someone.

Not to take out the garbage or pick up milk from the store. I just need someone to be right here next to me for no reason at all other than it is the only place to be.  Right next to me.

No boredom, no wishing for more, no thoughts of what could be or isn’t getting done. Nope, just right next to me and alright with it, or even happy about it.

I don’t have these days often, it usually is that I need someone to pick up a kid or pick up a prescription or something because there’s just one of me and all of that mundane crap we all have to do.

I don’t want to need anyone, I don’t like to need anyone, I especially don’t like to say that I do. But, I do. At least for today.

I’ll have to convince myself in one of the myriad ways I have in the past that I’m really okay to be here alone. I’m fine, the world is still turning.

And, there’s really no option because I am clearly so very alone today.

C.

Letter to Professor ~

With arms crossed and back turned you've been teaching me all along-and I've been an honorary student, I assure.

You clearly taught me that face-forward, and not looking back, is the only way to abandon.

I've learned that even on all the days that I don't believe you love me, I continue to love you just the same.

Where would I learn to question the value of everything, especially myself, if you had not made me feel so worthless?

How could I possibly appreciate an emotionally available man if you hadn't been so completely unavailable when I needed you?

I learned that some people can sleep through anything. They can lay their heads down at night and sleep sweetly, even without the slightest inkling of their children's well-being.

There would be none better to school me on the fact that a void created by a specific person can only be filled by that same person, if at all. No matter how many positive and loving people surround you or enter your life, the void will always be there.

I've learned that just because you have regrets, or wish you could do things differently, doesn't make a damn bit of difference to anyone, especially me.

From whom would I have learned that tirelessly searching my memory bank for the faintest childhood memory of a hug or a kiss goodnight will not a memory make.

I've learned that I should've had just as much as you and your new family did. Being hungry, and pretending not to be, around all of your friends is no fun for a little kid.

You have shown me how to develop an equal concoction of love and disgust for the same person.

You taught me that hope can be life-saving and dreams cannot be limited by anyone, save yourself. Had I not the ability to remain hopeful on so many of my days, I surely wouldn't be here now. And, on the days when all hope is exhausted, I can dream without limits until hope returns.

You demonstrated that I need to accept the fact that you never have, nor will you ever, lend enough of yourself to get to know me. I am much too much work and I require emotional availability, of which you do not have.

For all of these reasons, and hundreds more, I love you. I love you for all that you are and all that you aren't. Had you not educated me in just one of these subjects, I wouldn't be the me that I am today. And, I'm okay. I'm okay right here, at this precise moment on a Saturday night, having the ability to write with my able hands and use my thoughtful mind to capture these words that have been floating around in my head. These words making a fortuitous visit from time to time searching for a place to rest. Finally, I think they have found their home.

C.

You're Free ~

Blistered from heart to hand
I've nothing left to hold over you
I'm letting it go

Strained muscles from the weight
Every whimper aches
I no longer have to saddle myself
With hurt, blame, anger, or an obligatory love

My blisters will heal
My muscles will endure

I'm okay,
I always have been

Weightless and free
I will soar above it all today
And set you free

C.

A Little Yellow Hat ~

I had a little yellow hat when I was 9 years old. I hated hats. I hated yellow. I hated hats even more than I hated yellow.

I had no need for a hat, they pushed my bangs into my eyes and made me itchy. But, this hat was okay because it had a round patch on the front embroidered with "I'm the Greatest!".

When I was 9, I believed I was the greatest even before I got this hat. So, of course, it must be just for me!

I put that hat on once and was stopped 3 steps out my bedroom door, by my future step-father. Standing in front of me as if I wasn't there, he and my Mother discussed the absurdity of such a hat.

"You can't let her wear that", he said.
"It's cute!", she said.
"She can't go around being so conceited, that's ridiculous. Go take it off", he said.

I never wore that hat again nor did I ever believe that I was the greatest, or even a little bit great. I wonder who I would be if I was allowed to believe that I was the greatest all these years.

C

I Forgive You...

~ I forgive you for doubting that I was ever good enough.

~ I forgive you for not listening to me and just doing whatever you wanted to do.

~ I forgive you for not caring about me at least as much as you do everyone else.

~ I forgive you for allowing dark and dangerous thoughts to enter my mind.

~ I forgive you for being so destructive to my soul.

~ I forgive you for giving so much of yourself, to whomever would be accepting, that there was nothing left for me.

~ I forgive you for believing all of the hurtful things that were said to me.

~ I forgive you for keeping me silent all these years and I trust that I no longer need to be.

This is the beginning of my journey to forgiveness for you. I am hopeful that it will bring me some peace and allow me to love you as I should.

As I look into the mirror, each and every day, I will remind you of this...

I Was So Ready...

I was so ready that day. That day I found you. I didn't know just how ready I was, but I was SOOOO ready!

I was ready to come alive, I was ready to laugh again. I was ready to love again and be free to do so.

Like the chains coming off of a prisoner, I felt free again. Free to just feel all of those wonderful, tingly feelings of giddiness and giggle like a school girl passing notes in class. How fun that was.

I felt reborn, rediscovered, and reclaimed! As if I was some treasure that all the others could never see and appreciate. But you did. You liked treasures. You collected treasures.

Only, I was part of a collection of your treasures, each of us getting our due attention when it met your needs. Sure, I questioned and wondered but your explanations were quite sufficient when they soared from your lips in that sweet, smooth voice of yours.

Always I wondered and always you explained. Always.

I was so ready to come alive that I jumped, free falling into my dreams of what we were supposed to be. I was so ready to laugh that I must have been hysterical in not realizing that I was the one being laughed at, and I didn't even notice. I believed you when you said you knew what it meant to be loved and to care for something so precious, encouraging me to have this enormous supply of love delivered to your door. I believed you. I believed you because I was so ready that day.

NOW, I am reborn! NOW, I know what it's like to come alive! Now, that you've exposed all that you are and who you never were, I can begin again with fresh eyes. I no longer need to be rediscovered or reclaimed, I just need to bathe in the afterbirth and be thankful you're gone. So, so gone.

C.

That Feeling...

It's that irritating feeling of walking into a room and forgetting why I'm there.

Only, it's when I wake up. Every single day. Day after day, I just keep waking up and I can't remember why I'm here. A purpose, a meaning, I can't find any. I'm not inspired nor do I care to be. I just keep waking up. The minutes drag. There are so many of them in a day! So many to wait through until I can slip into some state of rest where time doesn't exist and my blank stare is welcome. In the darkness, I watch the shadows on my wall as religiously as my Grandmother watched Johnny Carson.

I figure, I'll wake up one day with some epiphany of what I'm doing here. Kinda like when I stand in that room long enough and I finally remember "Oh yeah!".

I guess I just need to keep waking up...

Lisa Williams

A quote that I found perfectly written...

I'm the world's least happy atheist. I miss having religious faith, but trying to have it seems like trying to be in love with someone that you're not in love with. ~ Lisa Williams, Learning the Lessons of Nixon 3-29-08

Waiter, waiter!!

Waiter, waiter!

Wow, I don’t mean to complain because I know you have a tough job as it is but seriously, THIS is NOT what I ordered. I know my friend here is doing the eye roll but pay no attention, this must be brought to someone’s attention.

No, what I ordered was...where’s that menu again…
Anyway, I believe I ordered the main course to be the family combo something or other. It came with like two happy, well-adjusted kids, a humble home filled with shared emotions, which I believe included happiness and a generous drizzling of love.

Of course, I would never expect anything to simply be handed to me on this, or any other, lovely silver platter. I worked before I walked in here and I’ll work to foot this enormous bill. But, c’mon. A little of the drizzle please?? One happy child and the other well-adjusted, would be palatable. I’m not difficult, at least I didn’t think I was.

Anyway, is there something we can do here? Please, please don’t offer to comp the bill or bring a free dessert. In many ways, I’ve already paid, and those offerings are of no value to me whatsoever. I only want what I walked in here for, that’s all.

What? You have to get a manager? We have to go there, do we? Well, give him or her a heads up that ol’ girl at table 6 here has been off her meds and this is a long time coming. Just sayin…

Oh, and no worries, your tip isn’t going to be affected. In fact, I can give you a tip on just about anything you want to ask me! So, I’ll comp you on that!

By the way, what’s on the dessert menu? Just in case…

C

Furry Felt Covered Piggy Banks...

As I was packing, in preparation for my impending move, I felt almost robotic. CD's-this box, books-that box, kid stuff-over there, you get the idea. It wasn't until I went to work packing the kids' movies (I don't have any of my own, it seems), that I became interested in my task at hand.

Among other treasured home videos that I had forgotten about (and surely would never have remembered where they were in the event of a fire) I re-discovered a VHS tape that my Grandmother recorded of herself while on a business trip to Minneapolis. One of those little booths that you pay $5 for 10 minutes of recording. She didn't know what she was going to do with the tape but thought that it seemed like fun and mentioned that she may even give it as a birthday gift to a lucky someone special! I have to assume that she had already purchased the snow globe or plastic piggy bank covered in felt that she brought home each time she went away. As if my collection of felt covered piggy banks were overflowing to such an extent that I needed another to complete the rainbow of those I already had. I remember thinking they were kinda cute until I was 12 or so. After that, I just smiled with a hint of sarcasm while she told me all about the wonderful things in Minneapolis or Denver or Olympia, Washington. Intrigued and curious to visit those cities, I was NOT. I was an unappreciative teenager, staring at a felt covered animal, wearing the most recent "My Grandma went to (insert city here) and all I got was this lousy t-shirt", while she talked between shouting out the letters Vanna White needed to flip over so we could buy a vowel and solve this puzzle, already! I think that's where I learned what a "dumbass" was. At least, that's what my Grandmother called them when they couldn't figure out the puzzle and they were set to win the JACKPOT!

Anyway, knowing that this tape was made just a short time before her cancer diagnosis,I found myself laughing with tears streaming down my face. She was just silly. A silly disposition that I don't think I really appreciated until now. I found myself thinking that all day today, she was just silly!

While she was silly, she grated the last nerve of every single member of our family, near and far. She was so vain and always concerned with her looks, always. She was married just once, for 43 years, to a man she met as a teenager. When she mentioned his name in the tape she still beamed, how lucky for that. And, every time I walked in the house, the door always left unlocked as everyone was welcome, she greeted me with a smile. Every single time. That gave me such a sense of belonging that I haven't felt since. How wonderful that was for her to do that for me. How wonderful it was, and I don't think I ever said thank you. I wish I had. And, if I could say one last thing, I would say "Thank You". Thank you for making me feel welcome, thank you for every lecture you ever gave me, thank you for embarrassing me incessantly in front of my friends. Thank you for telling me that you loved me when I was convinced no one really did. Thank you for each and every felt covered animal you brought me. Thank you for so many things that I never realized how endearing I would find them and I miss them so incredibly.

And, thank you for creating this video that brings me to tears and laughter at the same time.

I don't know if she was ever fully aware just how wonderfully beautiful she was, from the inside out. Come to think of it, maybe I was the one that wasn't fully aware.


C.