Waiter, waiter!
Wow, I don’t mean to complain because I know you have a tough job as it is but seriously, THIS is NOT what I ordered. I know my friend here is doing the eye roll but pay no attention, this must be brought to someone’s attention.
No, what I ordered was...where’s that menu again…
Anyway, I believe I ordered the main course to be the family combo something or other. It came with like two happy, well-adjusted kids, a humble home filled with shared emotions, which I believe included happiness and a generous drizzling of love.
Of course, I would never expect anything to simply be handed to me on this, or any other, lovely silver platter. I worked before I walked in here and I’ll work to foot this enormous bill. But, c’mon. A little of the drizzle please?? One happy child and the other well-adjusted, would be palatable. I’m not difficult, at least I didn’t think I was.
Anyway, is there something we can do here? Please, please don’t offer to comp the bill or bring a free dessert. In many ways, I’ve already paid, and those offerings are of no value to me whatsoever. I only want what I walked in here for, that’s all.
What? You have to get a manager? We have to go there, do we? Well, give him or her a heads up that ol’ girl at table 6 here has been off her meds and this is a long time coming. Just sayin…
Oh, and no worries, your tip isn’t going to be affected. In fact, I can give you a tip on just about anything you want to ask me! So, I’ll comp you on that!
By the way, what’s on the dessert menu? Just in case…
C
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Furry Felt Covered Piggy Banks...
As I was packing, in preparation for my impending move, I felt almost robotic. CD's-this box, books-that box, kid stuff-over there, you get the idea. It wasn't until I went to work packing the kids' movies (I don't have any of my own, it seems), that I became interested in my task at hand.
Among other treasured home videos that I had forgotten about (and surely would never have remembered where they were in the event of a fire) I re-discovered a VHS tape that my Grandmother recorded of herself while on a business trip to Minneapolis. One of those little booths that you pay $5 for 10 minutes of recording. She didn't know what she was going to do with the tape but thought that it seemed like fun and mentioned that she may even give it as a birthday gift to a lucky someone special! I have to assume that she had already purchased the snow globe or plastic piggy bank covered in felt that she brought home each time she went away. As if my collection of felt covered piggy banks were overflowing to such an extent that I needed another to complete the rainbow of those I already had. I remember thinking they were kinda cute until I was 12 or so. After that, I just smiled with a hint of sarcasm while she told me all about the wonderful things in Minneapolis or Denver or Olympia, Washington. Intrigued and curious to visit those cities, I was NOT. I was an unappreciative teenager, staring at a felt covered animal, wearing the most recent "My Grandma went to (insert city here) and all I got was this lousy t-shirt", while she talked between shouting out the letters Vanna White needed to flip over so we could buy a vowel and solve this puzzle, already! I think that's where I learned what a "dumbass" was. At least, that's what my Grandmother called them when they couldn't figure out the puzzle and they were set to win the JACKPOT!
Anyway, knowing that this tape was made just a short time before her cancer diagnosis,I found myself laughing with tears streaming down my face. She was just silly. A silly disposition that I don't think I really appreciated until now. I found myself thinking that all day today, she was just silly!
While she was silly, she grated the last nerve of every single member of our family, near and far. She was so vain and always concerned with her looks, always. She was married just once, for 43 years, to a man she met as a teenager. When she mentioned his name in the tape she still beamed, how lucky for that. And, every time I walked in the house, the door always left unlocked as everyone was welcome, she greeted me with a smile. Every single time. That gave me such a sense of belonging that I haven't felt since. How wonderful that was for her to do that for me. How wonderful it was, and I don't think I ever said thank you. I wish I had. And, if I could say one last thing, I would say "Thank You". Thank you for making me feel welcome, thank you for every lecture you ever gave me, thank you for embarrassing me incessantly in front of my friends. Thank you for telling me that you loved me when I was convinced no one really did. Thank you for each and every felt covered animal you brought me. Thank you for so many things that I never realized how endearing I would find them and I miss them so incredibly.
And, thank you for creating this video that brings me to tears and laughter at the same time.
I don't know if she was ever fully aware just how wonderfully beautiful she was, from the inside out. Come to think of it, maybe I was the one that wasn't fully aware.
C.
Among other treasured home videos that I had forgotten about (and surely would never have remembered where they were in the event of a fire) I re-discovered a VHS tape that my Grandmother recorded of herself while on a business trip to Minneapolis. One of those little booths that you pay $5 for 10 minutes of recording. She didn't know what she was going to do with the tape but thought that it seemed like fun and mentioned that she may even give it as a birthday gift to a lucky someone special! I have to assume that she had already purchased the snow globe or plastic piggy bank covered in felt that she brought home each time she went away. As if my collection of felt covered piggy banks were overflowing to such an extent that I needed another to complete the rainbow of those I already had. I remember thinking they were kinda cute until I was 12 or so. After that, I just smiled with a hint of sarcasm while she told me all about the wonderful things in Minneapolis or Denver or Olympia, Washington. Intrigued and curious to visit those cities, I was NOT. I was an unappreciative teenager, staring at a felt covered animal, wearing the most recent "My Grandma went to (insert city here) and all I got was this lousy t-shirt", while she talked between shouting out the letters Vanna White needed to flip over so we could buy a vowel and solve this puzzle, already! I think that's where I learned what a "dumbass" was. At least, that's what my Grandmother called them when they couldn't figure out the puzzle and they were set to win the JACKPOT!
Anyway, knowing that this tape was made just a short time before her cancer diagnosis,I found myself laughing with tears streaming down my face. She was just silly. A silly disposition that I don't think I really appreciated until now. I found myself thinking that all day today, she was just silly!
While she was silly, she grated the last nerve of every single member of our family, near and far. She was so vain and always concerned with her looks, always. She was married just once, for 43 years, to a man she met as a teenager. When she mentioned his name in the tape she still beamed, how lucky for that. And, every time I walked in the house, the door always left unlocked as everyone was welcome, she greeted me with a smile. Every single time. That gave me such a sense of belonging that I haven't felt since. How wonderful that was for her to do that for me. How wonderful it was, and I don't think I ever said thank you. I wish I had. And, if I could say one last thing, I would say "Thank You". Thank you for making me feel welcome, thank you for every lecture you ever gave me, thank you for embarrassing me incessantly in front of my friends. Thank you for telling me that you loved me when I was convinced no one really did. Thank you for each and every felt covered animal you brought me. Thank you for so many things that I never realized how endearing I would find them and I miss them so incredibly.
And, thank you for creating this video that brings me to tears and laughter at the same time.
I don't know if she was ever fully aware just how wonderfully beautiful she was, from the inside out. Come to think of it, maybe I was the one that wasn't fully aware.
C.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Not Just Spending Time...
I think I've always known it but never really wanted to admit it out loud or acknowledge it even to myself.
After failing repeatedly at marriage and partnership parenting, I have to admit...it wasn't them, it was me. Did I say that out loud? I doubt I'd ever admit it to them because, well, I just wouldn't.
My close friends know that all I ever really wanted was to be a parent. More than I wanted to be anything else. Of course, I would never be that girl who traps a guy into it but when the opportunity presented itself, I did become a parent. And, by default, I became a wife as well. I was excited to be embarking on this whole "family" thing I saw others doing. Only, I would do it without the crap that comes along with it, of course! If it lasted a while that was a total bonus. But, I didn't really think it would. As hard as that is to say, I didn't. But, hey, I'll give it try and see what happens, I thought. I know, I know...wrong.
Somehow it dawned on me recently that, after spending days that have accumulated into years, it really was me. Spending time with someone and being a wife was a nice security, too. But, when it became more difficult than I was willing to accept, I cut bait and moved on to the next catch.
I heard Warren Buffett, of whom I am in awe, say that success is first based on who you marry. If you don't have the right partner, nothing else will be right either. Or, something to that effect, anyway. I realize that statement was probably already thought of by everyone else but me. And, he was right on it. No matter what you do, you have to do it with someone and it should be with the "right" someone. I always wanted to just do things and didn't lend nearly as much consideration to whom it was I was doing those things with as long as my selfish needs were met.
The other day it hit me again that it's not about spending time with someone, it's about spending a lifetime with someone. Be it your best friend or your spouse. And, if you're lucky that someone will be both.
I'm going slowly but I'm getting there...
C.
After failing repeatedly at marriage and partnership parenting, I have to admit...it wasn't them, it was me. Did I say that out loud? I doubt I'd ever admit it to them because, well, I just wouldn't.
My close friends know that all I ever really wanted was to be a parent. More than I wanted to be anything else. Of course, I would never be that girl who traps a guy into it but when the opportunity presented itself, I did become a parent. And, by default, I became a wife as well. I was excited to be embarking on this whole "family" thing I saw others doing. Only, I would do it without the crap that comes along with it, of course! If it lasted a while that was a total bonus. But, I didn't really think it would. As hard as that is to say, I didn't. But, hey, I'll give it try and see what happens, I thought. I know, I know...wrong.
Somehow it dawned on me recently that, after spending days that have accumulated into years, it really was me. Spending time with someone and being a wife was a nice security, too. But, when it became more difficult than I was willing to accept, I cut bait and moved on to the next catch.
I heard Warren Buffett, of whom I am in awe, say that success is first based on who you marry. If you don't have the right partner, nothing else will be right either. Or, something to that effect, anyway. I realize that statement was probably already thought of by everyone else but me. And, he was right on it. No matter what you do, you have to do it with someone and it should be with the "right" someone. I always wanted to just do things and didn't lend nearly as much consideration to whom it was I was doing those things with as long as my selfish needs were met.
The other day it hit me again that it's not about spending time with someone, it's about spending a lifetime with someone. Be it your best friend or your spouse. And, if you're lucky that someone will be both.
I'm going slowly but I'm getting there...
C.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Finding the Courage ~ by James Kavanaugh
Finding the courage to face some buried anxiety
as real as snakes and grizzly bears in an uncharted wilderness,
struggling in vain to recall a child's overpowering fear
still rooted deeply in my flesh
and, seemingly as impermeable as granite rocks.
When was that terrifying moment
that has left its shadows till now?
What was the dagger that carved a scar
never to be erased?
Was I seven or seventeen, infant or fragile adolescent?
Vainly I recall every angry, hurtful voice of childhood,
every silent attack of parent or peer, teacher or coach.
Who wounded me when my bones were too brittle
to bear the weight?
When my mind was too timid and unformed
to fight back?
How can I battle this elusive Hydra
with its hybrid and devouring teeth?
Will I carry the last of this struggle
to my grave?
Will it reappear to torture me at the very end?
Or, will the sun finally rise some glorious morning
and the roots of an ancient fear dissolve
like the disappearing night?
From the book Laughing Down Lonely Canyons
as real as snakes and grizzly bears in an uncharted wilderness,
struggling in vain to recall a child's overpowering fear
still rooted deeply in my flesh
and, seemingly as impermeable as granite rocks.
When was that terrifying moment
that has left its shadows till now?
What was the dagger that carved a scar
never to be erased?
Was I seven or seventeen, infant or fragile adolescent?
Vainly I recall every angry, hurtful voice of childhood,
every silent attack of parent or peer, teacher or coach.
Who wounded me when my bones were too brittle
to bear the weight?
When my mind was too timid and unformed
to fight back?
How can I battle this elusive Hydra
with its hybrid and devouring teeth?
Will I carry the last of this struggle
to my grave?
Will it reappear to torture me at the very end?
Or, will the sun finally rise some glorious morning
and the roots of an ancient fear dissolve
like the disappearing night?
From the book Laughing Down Lonely Canyons
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Oh, Sarah Palin...Where Do I Begin??
Sarah Palin's paid speech at the Tea Party Convention this evening clearly showed the Sarah that I've grown to love. Yes, it's out there. I've said it "I LOVE SARAH PALIN!!". So there!
I love her for reminding me that even if I sit in silence on a Friday evening without my hair done or my outfit perfectly tailored, I am reminded that my presence on this couch serves this country and makes sense in more ways than Mrs. Palin could ever muster up. And, the plus side is that I won't request a $150,000 payment to do it!
I love you Sarah! You sure are purdy!
C.
I love her for reminding me that even if I sit in silence on a Friday evening without my hair done or my outfit perfectly tailored, I am reminded that my presence on this couch serves this country and makes sense in more ways than Mrs. Palin could ever muster up. And, the plus side is that I won't request a $150,000 payment to do it!
I love you Sarah! You sure are purdy!
C.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
If I Knew Then, What I Know Now...
Among other things, if I knew then what I know now...
~ I would've been better to myself, been less self-depricating, and embraced the best and the worst of me.
~ I would've known that no measure of self-protection could keep me safe from my own self-destruction.
~ I would've known that even if it means scraping up the pieces of my shattered life, I need each one of those pieces to be whole. And, if I move forward, leaving even a single piece behind, I'll be searching for it my whole life.
~ I would've known that, good and bad, everything counts. I will ultimately, face the consequences or the benefits immediately and directly or by way of some winding, random path.
~ I would've known to disengage from hurtful people because even the pleasure they derive from my pain will never keep them happy.
~ I would've known that nothing could possibly fill this incredibly enormous void created by the selfishness of others.
~ I would've known that contorting myself to fit into someone else's perception of who I should be would never serve me well, as I am the one burdened with this disfigured soul.
~ I would've known that each moment doesn't need to be a milestone, rather a place, of which I am ever-present.
C.
~ I would've been better to myself, been less self-depricating, and embraced the best and the worst of me.
~ I would've known that no measure of self-protection could keep me safe from my own self-destruction.
~ I would've known that even if it means scraping up the pieces of my shattered life, I need each one of those pieces to be whole. And, if I move forward, leaving even a single piece behind, I'll be searching for it my whole life.
~ I would've known that, good and bad, everything counts. I will ultimately, face the consequences or the benefits immediately and directly or by way of some winding, random path.
~ I would've known to disengage from hurtful people because even the pleasure they derive from my pain will never keep them happy.
~ I would've known that nothing could possibly fill this incredibly enormous void created by the selfishness of others.
~ I would've known that contorting myself to fit into someone else's perception of who I should be would never serve me well, as I am the one burdened with this disfigured soul.
~ I would've known that each moment doesn't need to be a milestone, rather a place, of which I am ever-present.
C.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Have You Heard This One?
I'm not a good joke teller but I'm going to give it a try. Here goes...
A girl walks into a relationship with a smile.
The guy says to her "What would you say if I promise that I'll always take care of us?"
The girl, still smiling, chuckles nervously and replies "Well, I'd believe you, of course!".
The guy, putting his hand on hers, slyly smiles back.
....get it?? It's a joke! The relationship ~ everything! He NEVER takes care of them like he promised, it's all a f*@*king joke!
C.
A girl walks into a relationship with a smile.
The guy says to her "What would you say if I promise that I'll always take care of us?"
The girl, still smiling, chuckles nervously and replies "Well, I'd believe you, of course!".
The guy, putting his hand on hers, slyly smiles back.
....get it?? It's a joke! The relationship ~ everything! He NEVER takes care of them like he promised, it's all a f*@*king joke!
C.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
I'm Gonna Sit Here ~ by James Kavanaugh
I'm gonna sit here
till passion returns
and tells me where to go.
I don't care if it's heaven
or hell or home,
I don't care if it's work
or play or sex,
I don't care if it's rich
or poor or madness,
I don't even care
if it's riding a horse naked on a freeway
or lining up like we did as kids
for a pissing contest in the old schoolyard.
I'm not going anywhere
-even to death-
until I can go passionately.
from the book Laughing Down Lonely Canyons
till passion returns
and tells me where to go.
I don't care if it's heaven
or hell or home,
I don't care if it's work
or play or sex,
I don't care if it's rich
or poor or madness,
I don't even care
if it's riding a horse naked on a freeway
or lining up like we did as kids
for a pissing contest in the old schoolyard.
I'm not going anywhere
-even to death-
until I can go passionately.
from the book Laughing Down Lonely Canyons
Friday, January 1, 2010
I Don't Know Why ~ by James Kavanaugh
I don't know why it bothers me
but in the midst of the most poignant news,
of the shooting of a President or Pope,
or an earthquake in South America,
There is a commercial somewhere selling soap or cereal,
promising luxury or peace of mind,
or an end to all offensive odors,
except commercials.
And, from time to time,
when I wonder about my own demise,
I know that at the very moment of my passing,
even as the word is circulated among my friends,
I will be eulogized somewhere
by an improved tomato sauce
or whiter teeth.
~ from the book Maybe If I Loved You More
but in the midst of the most poignant news,
of the shooting of a President or Pope,
or an earthquake in South America,
There is a commercial somewhere selling soap or cereal,
promising luxury or peace of mind,
or an end to all offensive odors,
except commercials.
And, from time to time,
when I wonder about my own demise,
I know that at the very moment of my passing,
even as the word is circulated among my friends,
I will be eulogized somewhere
by an improved tomato sauce
or whiter teeth.
~ from the book Maybe If I Loved You More
Dr. James Kavanaugh ~
I am so deeply saddened over the death of James Kavanaugh, with whom I have never met face to face. Strangely, I felt a connection to him as if he just "got" me. His books have truly grounded me during some of the most tumultuous times in my life when I was completely lost and just couldn't find my way.
To explain it, well...I can't. I just appreciate his words, beyond any reasoning or explanation. And, while I am sad that the opportunity has been lost to have a conversation with him or give thanks to him personally for understanding me, if only by default in understanding himself, I am inspired to live my life out loud even when no one's listening. I am inspired to do this life with passion and, in turn, inspire others to do the same.
But, because I haven't gotten to the point that I understand what it is about myself that would inspire others, I will defer to the words of Mr. Kavanaugh and post a writing of his as often as I can so that others may get some of his insight. Well, that and his books are out of print.
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